#hr

Sorry I painted the word 'twat' on your garage door. ↗

— David Shrigley

#humor #regret #shrigley #vandalism #humor

Everyone wants a Christmas tree. If you had a Christmas tree Santa would bring you stuff! Like hair curlers and slut shoes. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#diesel #humor #humor

Usually a family is led through the mom or the dad and their career and for the family to be led by my career, even though God has led it, could be a lot of pressure. ↗

— Stacie Orrico

#could #dad #even #family #god

We have our own language. Christianese... We don't say 'He's out of his mind,' no, we say 'That's our youth pastor. ↗

— Tim Hawkins

#humor #language #humor

Will you sleep with me?" he asked softly, before grinning suddenly. "In the tub? ↗

— Shelly Crane

#clara #eli #humor #tub #humor

The bottom line is that after we defeat the armed forces of Iraq, that we will want to and need to provide stability throughout that country. ↗

— Peter Pace

#armed #armed forces #bottom #bottom line #country

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth. ↗

— Victor Borge

#anything #aspirations #because #between #else

The Christian notion of the possibility of redemption is incomprehensible to the computer. ↗

— Vance Packard

#computer #incomprehensible #notion #possibility #redemption

When we got to the moron who was sitting in the only path to the stairway, Adam caught my waist and lifted me over before stepping over the man himself. “Scott?” Adam said as we headed upstairs. “Yeah?” “Unless someone shoots you, skins you, and throws the results on the floor, I don’t want to see you lying in the walkway again.” “Yessir! ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#humor #mercy-thompson #silver-borne #threats #humor

Glen had a disability more disfiguring than a burn and more terrifying than cancer. Glen had been born on the day after Christmas. "My parents just combine my birthday with Christmas, that's all," he explained. But we knew this was a lie. Glen's parents just wrapped a couple of his Christmas presents in birthday-themed wrapping paper, stuck some candles in a supermarket cake, and had a dinner of Christmas leftovers. ↗

— Augusten Burroughs

#christmas #humor #humor