#hum

In the National Geographic movie of my twisted mind, the lion had just leaped on the gazelle, pinned it to the ground and mounted it from behind. Apparently, the devouring could wait. I should point out that these little flights of fancy on my part often involved extremely improbable animal pairings. I blamed cartoons. ↗

— Delphine Dryden

#national-geographic #humor

Résumé Razors pain you, Rivers are damp, Acids stain you, And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful, Nooses give, Gas smells awful. You might as well live. ↗

— Dorothy Parker

#humor #suicide #humor

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. ↗

— Dave Barry

#chocolate #humor #peace #humor

Did you like question ten, Moony?" asked Sirius as they emerged into the entrance hall. "Loved it," said Lupin briskly. "Give five signs that identify the werewolf. Excellent question." "D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" said James in tones of mock concern. "Think I did," said Lupin seriously, as they joined the crowd thronging around the front doors eager to get out into the sunlit grounds. "One: He's sitting on my chair. Two: He's wearing my clothes. Three: His name's Remus Lupin... ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#james-potter #remus-lupin #sirius-black #werewolf #humor

Jace's eyes sparkled, but he said calmly, "Not at all. the Silent Brothers can help her retrieve her memories." "You hate the Silent Brothers," protested Isabelle. "I don't hate them," said Jace candidly."I'm afraid of them. It's not the same thing." "I thought you said they were libarians," said Clary. "They are librarians." Simon whistled. "Those must be some killer late fees. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor #librarians #humor

MS. THOMPSON, it said in heavy block letters, PLEASE KEEP YOUR FELINE OFF MY PROPERTY. IF I SEE IT AGAIN, I WILL EAT IT. ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#humor #humor

Look, did you ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I was something in a petri dish? Next time I'll send you a photo." "And I'll frame it and put it on my nightstand," said Jace. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor

No. Now, shut up and eat your pears. ↗

— Suzanne Collins

#katniss #peeta #humor

Anyone can speak Troll. All you have to do is point and grunt. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#language #humor

If you were me, then I'd be you, and if I were you, then I'd hide somewhere far away. ↗

— Eoin Colfer

#humor