#hum

The remnants of my dress hung like tentacles and from my back arched a pari of towering wings, feather-light but suggesting enourmous power. My hair streamed behind me, and I knew that the ring of light around my head would be brighter than ever. “Holy crap!” Xavier blurted ↗

— Alexandra Adornetto

#humor #humor

Never tell anyone to be careful, never ask what that noise was, and for the love of God, never, ever say that you'll be right back." —Evelyn Baker ↗

— Seanan McGuire

#humor #humor

The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom. ↗

— Jon Stewart

#internet #humor

Someday you'll remember what I said and you'll thank me for it." Francie wished adults would stop telling her that. Already the load of thanks in the future was weighing her down. She figured she'd have to spend the best years of her womanhood hunting up people to tell them that they were right and to thank them. ↗

— Betty Smith

#betty-smith #humor #thanks #humor

What's the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyone in possession of a penis? I'll tell myself that a sandwich is masculine because if left alone for a week or two, it will eventually grow a beard. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor #language #humor

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #humor

How am I supposed to save the universe with all this noise?! ↗

— Diane Duane

#humor

Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday. Because you'll be dust on Monday. Because I'll be pulverizing you sometime over the weekend. And the cleaning lady... cleans up... dust. She dusts. And she has weekends off, so... Monday. Right? ↗

— Bryan Lee O'Malley

#humor

Do not listen to her," Alaric said. "She is going to tell you in some kind of code only the two of you will understand, because you are siblings, to call the police on your cell phone. But if you do that, I will kill you and dispose of your body in a place where no one will find it. The river, I think. Your doorman is so stupid, he won't notice if I leave this building carrying a body in a rolled-up carpet. ↗

— Meg Cabot

#humor