#hum

Yeah! Bring it on lake!" -Coach Gleeson Hedge ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor #lake #mark-of-athena #humor

Don't call a woman a bitch. Call her an ass-hole. It still gets your point across and it's not sexist. ↗

— Eleanor Roosevelt

#sexism #vocabulary #humor

There you go, Harry!” Ron shouted over the noise. “You weren’t being thick after all — you were showing moral fiber! ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor #ron-weasley #humor

She. Spoke. To. Him. First. It was like winning the lottery, getting laid, and climbing the highest cliff all rolled into one. But he needed to play it cool, becase he was trending into lame-o land at a quick pace. ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#humor

I hated that the soldier doll had my name. I mean, please. I didn't play with him much. He was another Christmas present from my clueless grandparents. One time when they were visiting, my grandpa asked me if G.I. Joe had been in any wars lately. I said, "No, but he and Ken got married last week." Every Christmas since then, my grandparents have sent me a check. ↗

— James Howe

#homosexuality #humor #humor

The Torment turned his head to him, and frowned. "Who are you?" "I'm... sorry? It's me, it's Vaurien. Vaurien Scapegrace. I... built the cellar for you?" "Oh," the Torment said. "You. Why are you back? I thought you were dead. It would have been nice if you were dead ↗

— Derek Landy

#humor

I'll tell you something. Once I was very fond of a poem by Emily Dickinson or somebody. I only remember one line of it, but it goes, 'The soul selects her own society.' I used to tell it to everybody. Once I quoted it to a friend of mine, and he said, 'Maybe, but the body gets thrown into bed with the goddamnedest people. ↗

— Peter S. Beagle

#humor #sex #humor

Ben starts. "I Spy with my little eye something I really like." "Oh I know," Radar says. "It's the taste of balls." "No." "Is it the taste of penises?" I guess. "No, dumbass." "Hmm," says Radar. "Is it the smell of balls?" "The texture of balls? ↗

— John Green

#humor

Arisa: "You bastard! Why don't I teach you a lesson!" Kyo: "I'd like to see you try, bitch!" Yuki: "I have a winning hand." Tohru: "I knew you'd be good at this. ↗

— Natsuki Takaya

#humor

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are. ↗

— Chauncey Mitchell Depew

#humor #naughty #humor