#hum

I was banished,” said Reven proudly. “What for?” Elfwyn pressed. “The king said I was anathema.” “He doesn’t like athemas?” “Anathema means, like, accursed,” said Jinx. “Probably it was for robbing people. ↗

— Sage Blackwood

#kids #humor

Let me ask you something,” Simon said. “Do you find me fascinating to be around?” “What was that?” Jace said. “Sorry, I think I fell asleep for a moment. Do, continue with whatever mesmerizing thing you were saying. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#jace #simon #humor

If your mom's a witch, what does that make you? Harry Potter? ↗

— Kendare Blake

#humor

They can tak' oour lives but they canna tak' oour troousers! ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor

If you can't find an answer at the mall or the library, what does that say about the world? ↗

— Joan Bauer

#humor #shopping #humor

We have to be back in three hours', Ronan said. 'I just fed Chainsaw but she'll need it again.' 'This', Gansey replied, 'is precisely why I didn't want to have a baby with you. ↗

— Maggie Stiefvater

#humor

The only way cheese is dessert is when it's followed by the word cake. ↗

— Michele Gorman

#cheese #cheesecake #dessert #humor #humor

I consider myself to be apretty good judge of people...That's why I don't like any of them. ↗

— Roseanne Barr

#judge #people #humor

I know this goes without saying, but Stonehenge really was the most incredible accomplishment. It took five hundred men just to pull each sarsen, plus a hundred more to dash around positioning the rollers. Just think about it for a minute. Can you imagine trying to talk six hundred people into helping you drag a fifty-ton stone eighteen miles across the countryside and muscle it into an upright position, and then saying, 'Right, lads! Another twenty like that, plus some lintels and maybe a couple of dozen nice bluestones from Wales, and we can party!' Whoever was the person behind Stonehenge was one dickens of a motivator, I'll tell you that. ↗

— Bill Bryson

#history #humor #motivation #stonehenge #humor

It's astonishing the amount of time that certain straight people devote to gay sex - trying to determine what goes where and how often. They can't imagine any system outside their own, and seem obsessed with the idea of roles, both in bed and out of it. Who calls whom a bitch? Who cries harder when the cat dies? Which one spends the most time in the bathroom? I guess they think that it's that cut-and-dried, though of course it's not. Hugh might do the cooking, and actually wear an apron while he's at it, but he also chops the firewood, repairs the hot-water heater, and could tear off my arm with no more effort than it takes to uproot a dandelion. ↗

— David Sedaris

#lgbt #humor