#hum

Erin: We get to beat the shit outta guys in those big puffy suits!!! I’ve always wanted to really kick the crap outta some guy’s nuts. Now I can do it guilt-free! Me: You’re a sick girl. Erin: Guilty as charged. :) ↗

— Tammara Webber

#girl-power #self-defense #texting #humor

Miles exhaled carefully, faint with rage and reminded grief. He does not know, he told himself. He cannot know... "Ivan, one of these days somebody is going to pull out a weapon and plug you, and you're going to die in bewilderment, crying, "What did I say? What did I say?" "What did I say?" asked Ivan indignantly. ↗

— Lois McMaster Bujold

#idiot #humor

You're dead," he said. Keli waited. She couldn't think of any suitable reply. "I'm not" lacked a certain style, while "Is it serious?" seemed somehow too frivolous. ↗

— Terry Pratchet - Mort

#humor

I stopped at a red light, turned my head, and allowed myself to enjoy the handsomeness that was Brent. He noticed my staring and asked, "What?" "As if you don't know. You're not the type of guy that a girl gets tired of looking at." "Oh. Well in that case, you're welcome to look all you want," he said and gestured to himself. "You're allowed to touch, too." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. I lowered my voice into its sexy-husky range. "I was hoping you'd say that." With my flirtiest look on my face, I rubbed my hand slowly up his arm and then pinched him firmly on the shoulder. "Ow!" Brent rubbed his shoulder and grinned. "Not what I had in mind! ↗

— Lani Woodland

#humor #humor

You wanna know how to make God laugh?" he said. "Tell him your plans." (God-shaped Hole) ↗

— Tiffany Debartolo

#tiffany-debartolo #humor

You want me to be all doom and gloom, or just shut up? ↗

— Stephenie Meyer

#humor

Newspapers are even worse for me than ice cream; headlines, and the big issues that generate the headlines, are pure fat. ↗

— John Irving

#humor

C'mon kid. Think a minute, even if it hurts. ↗