#hum

I wouldn’t even be the “world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones.
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— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #planet #population #sexy

Instead of a Lemonade Stand, I should open up a “You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large.
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— Jarod Kintz

#drink #drinking #entrepreneur #entrepreneurship #funny

I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny-and-random #humor #sleep #funny

When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass! ↗

— Julie Halpern

#humor #funny

Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one. ↗

— Tina Fey

#humor #whitney-houston #funny

Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #love #funny

If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #shark #funny

The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock. ↗

— Peter S. Beagle

#humor #unicorn #funny

Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.
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— Jarod Kintz

#alexander-the-great #bizarre #caesar #conquer #funny

I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half empty can of tuna (keeps the stray cats away, because I perform in a gritty, grimy downtown alley).
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— Jarod Kintz

#cats #choreography #dance #dancing #day