#hum

He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us! ↗

— David Sedaris

#judgement #travel #humor

Whoever had said in the guidebooks that the bum bag was a sensible device against theft had lied; no single item of dressware ever invented cried out "mug me" more than a pouch of zip-up plastic suspended by your groin. ↗

— Kate Griffin

#fanny-pack #humor #kate-griffin #the-midnight-mayor #humor

A word to those of you out there who have yet to be offended by something I have said: Please be patient. I am working as fast as I can. ↗

— Ann Coulter

#humor #politically-incorrect #humor

I shut the door and waited to see what she would do. To my surprise she lowered the gun but kept it in her hands. “I’ll give you five minutes to explain.” I opened my mouth to begin but she held up a hand. “First let me get you some pants. ↗

— Cambria Hebert

#humor

S.P.A.M. S.enseless P.eople A.always M.essaging ↗

— Stanley Victor Paskavich

#humor

Of the little less than a million eligibles roaming around, 5 percent don't know their sign and don't even care. Another 5 percent are tied to their mothers by a food fixation. That leaves only 20 percent who are searching for a girl who will pick up their clothes, run their baths, burn her fingers shelling their three-minute eggs, run their errands, bear them a child every year, look like a fashion model, tend their needs when they are sick, and hold down a full-time job outside the home to make payments on their boat. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#family

He’s always overly dressed which makes him look stiff – like he wants to do taxes, not women. ↗

— Jonas Eriksson

#humor

So you have a choice. You can leave quietly or I can call the police after I wang you with my stapler. ↗

— Nicole Hamlett

#humor

I was about to run, possibly fight, definitely scream... ↗

— Jessica Fortunato

#humor #scream #humor

And now, dear Mr. Worthing, I will not intrude any longer into a house of sorrow. I would merely beg you not to be too much bowed down by grief. What seem to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise. This seems to me a blessing of an extremely obvious kind. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#humor #humor