#hum

Well, hell,” muttered Drake. “Do you do that to all the human women?” “No. Usually they’ve already started taking off their clothes by now. She’s beginning to hurt my feelings.” “We need to get you a paper bag or a giant scar or something.” “Yeah,” said the man, his tone dry. “I’ll get right to work on that ↗

— Shannon K. Butcher

#humor

Oh, my sainted aunt! Don't mention that disgusting stuff in front of me! Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners! ↗

— Roald Dahl

#humor

She was plump, with dyed red hair and a face so caked with cosmetics that the floor of the Amazon jungle probably saw more natural light... ↗

— John Connolly

#humor

The truckers are staring," I said after a few seconds. It was true. They were. The whole row of them was doing a bad job of pretending not to look at us. "We just got engaged," Lucy shouted over to them. "I just asked this man to be my wife." The men at the counter traded confused looks. I burst out laughing. "We're glad you and your ass cracks could share this moment with us," she went on. "Seriously. We really are. Those are serious cracks and this is a serious moment. ↗

— Nick Burd

#humor

This was fun. We should find out we're still married more often." "Why, so every day can be a special new plunge into hell?" "Nobody I'd rather burn with than you, babe. ↗

— Erin McCarthy

#hell #humor #marriage #humor

Shigure Sohma: Tohru's pretty in a cute sorta way Hatori Sohma: for some reason it reeks of something illegal ↗

— Natsuki Takaya

#humor #manga #humor

You love the bitch from hell? Well then, you must be nuts. ↗

— Sophie Kinsella

#humor

Pandas and rain forests are never mentioned when it comes to the millions of people taking joyrides in their Range Rovers. Rather, it's the little things we're strong-armed into conserving. At a chain coffee bar in San Francisco, I saw a sign near the cream counter that read NAPKINS COME FROM TREES - CONSERVE! In case you missed the first sign, there was a second one two feet away, reading YOU WASTE NAPKINS - YOU WASTE TREES!!! The cups, of course, are also made of paper, yet there's no mention of the mighty redwood when you order your four-dollar coffee. The guilt applies only to those things that are being given away for free. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor

You keep distracting me,” I tell her. “All I’m doing is sitting here talking to you!” “Exactly,” I say, and I smile at her.j ↗

— Jodi Picoult

#distraction #humor #love #oliver #humor

Well, wasn't this a night for firsts. Sex. Arson. Pants. ↗

— J.R. Ward

#humor