#hum

The world is divided by two different tribes. The people who are assholes and the people who are not. ↗

— Sherman Alexie

#humor

This one is called "Chunky Munky".' Nadia stopped with the spoon halfway to her mouth. 'But isn´t a monkey a small chattering Earth creature that lives in trees?' she asked faintly. 'Are ... are you telling me I´m eating chunks of its flesh?' 'Ugh.' Sophia shivered. 'What a thought! The poor monkeys!' Nadia felt ill. 'Is that why this stuff is called 'I Scream?' Because the animal screams when they make it into dessert? ↗

— Evangeline Anderson

#ice-cream #humor

Every time we start thinking we're the center of the universe, the universe turns around and says with a slightly distracted air, 'I'm sorry. What'd you say your name was again? ↗

— Margaret Maron

#wisdom #humor

Clichés can be quite fun. That's how they got to be clichés. ↗

— Alan Bennett

#humor #wisdom #writing #humor

The look Anthony shot at his sister was so comically malevolent Simon nearly laughed. He managed to restrain himself, but mostly just because he was fairly certain that any show of humor would cause Anthony's fist to lose its battle with his brain, with Simon's face emerging as the conflict's primary casualty. ↗

— Julia Quinn

#humor

I just took a little nap. I stole it from an infant.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#baby #humor #infant #nap #sleep

Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humor in the woman ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#satire #humor

You ate something yesterday.You sure?"asked Simon Jace shrugged."Well,I wouldnt swear on a stack of Bibles.I think it was yesterday,though. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor

Be With Me In The Phases Of My Work Because My Brain Feels Like It Has Been Whipped And I Yearn To Make A Small Perfect Thing Which Will Live In Your Morning Like Curious Static Through A President's Elegy Or A Nude Hunchback Acquiring A Tan On The Crowded Oily Beach. ↗

— Leonard Cohen

#humor #inspiration #science #humor

I must have your promise, Coach, that you won't hurt her." "I promise." "You spoke a bit too quickly for my taste. I don't quite believe you." "I'm a man of my word, and I promise that I won't hurt her.When I murder her, I'll do it real quick, so she won't feel a thing." Viktor sighed. "That's exactly what I was afraid of. ↗

— Susan Elizabeth Phillips

#humor #susan-elizabeth-phillips #humor