#hum

John, let me make one thing clear,” Jim said, cutting me off in his most stern, evangelical voice. “Every man is blessed with his gifts from the Lord. One of mine happens to be a penis large enough that, if it had a penis of its own, my penis’ penis would be larger than your penis.”..... ..."Fuck all of you,” John retorted. “You don’t even exist. We’re all just a figment of my cock’s imagination. ↗

— David Wong

#hilarity #humour #penises #stupid-boys #imagination

Shame, child, is for those who fail to live up to the ideal of what they believe they should be." She waved her hand. "It was shame that drove me to my queen, to beseech her aid." Her long, delicate fingers idly moved to the streaks of white in her otherwise flawless red tresses. "But she showed me the way back to myself, through exquisite pain, and now I am here to watch over my dear godson--and the rest of you, as long as it is quite convenient." Spooky death Sidhe lady," Molly said. "Now upgraded to spooky, crazy death Sidhe lady. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor #leanansidhe #molly-carpenter #change

Romantic literature is in effect imaginative lying. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#humor #literature #lying #romance #humor

If you've seen a crab's mouth, all foamy and gross with whiskers and snapping bits, you can imagine this one didn't look any better blown up to billboard size. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor

Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast ↗

— Lewis Carroll

#humor #imagination #whimsy #humor

If it weren't for my imagination, I would weigh ten thousand pounds. This is because the only way I am able to exercise anymore is through a long and vivid revenge fantasy. ↗

— Mindy Kaling

#humor

Imagine hearing a group of drunken warriors shouting your name and following it with a must die . Suddenly I missed my superspecial tagline: Great-granddaughter of Adelaide Wallingford. The tagline Must Die totally sucked. ↗

— Suzanne Selfors

#humor

I, Horus, son of Osiris, claim the throne of the heavens as my birthright!" he shouted."What was once mine shall be mine again.Is there anyone who would challenge me?" The gods flickered and glowed. A few scowled. One muttered something that sounded like "Cheese", although that could've been my imagination. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#horus #humor #triumph #humor

The Dude just pounded his way in a straight line, convinced that the lion was a figment of his imagination and that the vampire ahead of him was just Grendel's deformed mutant brother. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#humor

There is one vice of which no man in the world is free; which every one in the world loathes when he sees it in someone else; and of which hardly any people, except Christians, ever imagine that they are guilty themselves. […] There is no fault which makes a man more unpopular, and no fault which we are more unconscious of in ourselves.[…]The vice I am talking of is Pride or Self-Conceit: and the virtue opposite to it, in Christian morals, is called Humility. ↗

— C.S. Lewis

#humility #pride #imagination