#hum

There's no perk in being closed-minded as a minority. It's never, ever, ever going to help you, ever. ↗

— Baratunde R. Thurston

#wisdom #humor

One more question." Finn had a smirk on his face. "Do you use…" "If you say litter box, I will empty that pitcher of water on your head." She thought for a second and added, "Before I slash the tires on your car." "My baby?" Kess grinned. "Kidding! I'd just key it." She turned to Burke who was smirking at the look on his brother's face. "Is he always like this? ↗

— Jeanette Battista

#humor

And since Rebecca already placed your order five minutes ago, I can only assume that this was an excuse to check out my rack. All done? ↗

— Jeanette Battista

#humor

Hm. Didn’t you use to be a lot smaller?” “Yes,” said Jinx. “Because I used to be six. ↗

— Sage Blackwood

#humor #humor

The chief drawback with men is that they are too talkative. ↗

— Marilyn Monroe

#humor

As if I'd had time to drug it in the two milliseconds she'd let me out of her sight. ↗

— Nenia Campbell

#humor #sarcasm #survival #humor

Falling in love is like that: you always feel like a dumbass at some point, even if you know it‘s coming — it‘s unavoidable. ↗

— Kevin Hearne

#love #humor

What sort of person," said Salzella patiently, "sits down and writes a maniacal laugh? And all those exclamation marks, you notice? Five? A sure sign of someone who wears his underpants on his head. Opera can do that to a man. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#opera #punctuation #humor

He reminded me of Gerald Roma from grade school, who used to burn ants with a magnifying glass. He was never quite right. It was weird that he spontaneously combusted during finals week our freshman year in college. Payback was a bitch. ↗

— Darynda Jones

#fourth-grave-beneath-my-feet #humor #humor

The crafty otter produced a flat pebble from his helmet, spat on one side of it, and held it up for the bird to see. 'Right, I'll spin ye. Dry side, I win, wet side, you lose. Good?' The honey buzzard nodded eagerly... Buteo's keen eyes watched every spin of the stone until it clacked down flat on the deck. Garfo grinned from ear to ear. 'Wet side! You lose! ↗

— Brian Jacques

#humor