#hum

Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#fatal #humor #isabelle-lightwood #pasta #humor

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it. ↗

— David Sedaris

#perception #retardation #humor

No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled. "Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?" "What?" "Oh, you'd like something simpler? ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor #interrogation #police #humor

I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I’d fail. I said to him, ‘Someday, when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the fucking deli without hearing or seeing me. ↗

— Lady Gaga

#fame #grammy #humor #lady-gaga #music

They turned to Angel. "We will call you Little One," the leader said, obviously deciding to dispense with the whole confusing name thing. "Okay," said Angel agreeably. "I'll call you Guy in a White Lab Coat." He frowned. "That can be his Indian name," I suggested. ↗

— James Patterson

#humor #maximum-ride #humor

There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#humor

Well, I certainly don't," said Percy sanctimoniously. "I shudder to think what the state of my in-tray would be if I was away from work for five days." "Yeah, someone might slip dragon dung in it again, eh, Perce?" said Fred. "That was a sample of fertilizer from Norway!" said Percy, going very red in the face. "It was nothing personal!" "It was," Fred whispered to Harry as they got up from the table. "We sent it. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake. ↗

— Jon Stewart

#religion #humor

It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily. "So it is." "And freezing." "Is it?" "Yes," said Eeyore. "However," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately. ↗

— A.A. Milne

#optimism #humor

God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#gaiman #god #humor #humor