#hum

You know that Kate called Walter a heartless bastard?" "And an asshole. I am quite proud. ↗

— Aimee Carter

#husband-and-wife #humor

What is your collective GPA for this year?” “Not as high as I'd like it to be.” Freud steepled his fingers in front of his mouth. “What about your parents?” “I don't know. They haven't been in school for a while. ↗

— Nenia Campbell

#interrogation #sarcasm #humor

Die slowly, Tom. ↗

— S.J. Kincaid

#humor

How touching. I think I'm gonna throw up. ↗

— Joss Stirling

#sarcasm-humor #humor

Rhiannon's Law #37: Don't get so high and mighty, God will only reward that arrogance with a huge bitch slap back to reality. ↗

— J.A. Saare

#humor

From the people who brought you "zero tolerance," I present the Gun-Free Zone! Yippee! Problem solved! Bam! Bam! Everybody down! Hey, how did that deranged loner get a gun into this Gun-Free Zone? ↗

— Ann Coulter

#politics #republican #humor

I guess he believes if a lie is big enough and repeated often enough, it will be believed. ↗

— John McCain

#mccain-lies #political #humor

Being made merely in the image of God but not otherwise resembling him enough to be mistaken by anybody but a very near sighted person. ↗

— Mark Twain

#humor

Cultivate," I said, "a sense of humor. From a humorous point of view this lunch is rather good. ↗

— Jerome K. Jerome

#humor

Sorry about Bender," Lula said, letting the Trans Am idle at the curb. "Maybe we could tell Vinnie he died. We could say we were all set to bring Bender in, and he died. Bang. Dead as a doorknob." "Better yet, why don't we just go back and kill him," I said. I opened the door to leave, caught my toe in the floor mat, and fell out of the car, face first. I rolled onto my back and stared up at the stars. "I'm fine," I said to Lula. "Maybe I'll sleep here tonight. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#humor