#hum

I see a tongue! Some asshole is licking my peephole. ↗

— Mark Tufo

#tongue #zombie #humor

Silence, please? I'm trying to watch this documentary." Laurel nodded at The Bachelor. "I believe one of the females is about to present to the alpha. ↗

— Cara McKenna

#humor

I’m too big of a fan of sin and debauchery to be a Christian. ↗

— J.C. Wickhart

#humor #humor

Go ahead and laugh at Detroit. Because you are laughing at yourself. ↗

— Charlie LeDuff

#detroit #humor #literature #humor

No,” said Hermione shortly. “Have either of you seen my copy of Numerology and Gramatica?” “Oh, yeah, I borrowed it for a bit of bedtime reading,” said Ron, but very quietly. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#hermione-granger #humor #out-of-character #quips #ron-weasley

When we faced Mom, we saw she was addressing Max. "We get to know each other I'll get to hug you." "Mom!" I snapped and Mom turned to me. "I get to do it when he doesn't have a shirt on too. I'm calling it now," Mom declared. ↗

— Kristen Ashley

#humor

If I hear any more loud voices, you will both be auctioned off on eBay. I could use the extra money. ↗

— J.R. Rain

#parenting #humor

I’m bored of this. I want to hear about you. Favorite color. Go.” I laugh. “Green.” “I’m green!” “Fuck yeah you are.” “Why are you laughing? Isn’t this what friends do?” “Interrogate each other?” “What? Uh, sure. I don’t know what that means. But yes. ↗

— Hannah Moskowitz

#humor

Americans like what is easy, and it's easy to like pregnant women - they're like ducklings or bunnies or dogs. Still, it baffles me that these self-righteous, self-enthralled waddlers get such special treatment. As if it's so hard to spread your legs and let a man ejaculate between them. ↗

— Gillian Flynn

#humor

I feel like I might start crying and that I'm going to cry pee. ↗

— John Green

#humor #leaving #paper-towns #pee #young-adult