#humour

Asscrown," I muttered under my breath as I headed to my next class. I wasn't proud of swearing at a complete stranger, no. but he started it. Noah matched my pace. "Don't you mean 'assclown'?" He looked amused. "No," I said, louder this time. "I mean asscrown. The crown on top of the asshat that covers the asshole of the assclown. The very zenith in the hierarchy of asses," I said, as though I was reading from a dictionary of modern profanity. "I guess you nailed me then. ↗

— Michelle Hodkin

#mara-dyer #noah-shaw #humour

I kind of have to go to the bathroom," Aria said woozily. Ezra smiled. "Can I come? ↗

— Sara Shepard

#lust #humour

I rushed ahead until another girls' bathroom appeared. I pushed the door open, planning to leave Noah outside while I collected myself. But he followed me in. Two younger girls were standing at te mirror applying lip gloss. "Get out," Noah said to them, his voice laced with boredom. As if they were the ones who didn't belong in the girls' bathroom. ↗

— Michelle Hodkin

#romance #boredom

Anybody else wanna pee their pants and cry for mommy? ↗

— James Dashner

#the-scorch-trials-humour #trials

I think we should take a break, fill our little tummies and drink up. ↗

— James Dashner

#the-scorch-trials-humour #trials

The man had a smooth voice, like velvet. “I’m Detective Inspector Me. Unusual name, I know. My family were incredibly narcissistic. I’m lucky I escaped with any degree of humility at all, to be honest, but then I’ve always managed to exceed expectations. You are Kenny Dunne, are you not?” “I am.” “Just a few questions for you, Mr Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we’ve become friends these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?” “Sure,” Kenny said, slightly baffled. “Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s important you feel comfortable around me, Kenny. It’s important we build up a level of trust. That way I’ll catch you completely unprepared when I suddenly accuse you of murder. ↗

— Derek Landy

#death-bringer #humour #murder #death

With him big Phil from Notting Hill an old "face" from the sixties a pin up gangster with a "mars bar" weal scraping his left cheek and of course two "wag" slags in tow trussed up like French Poodles with "Bratz babe" stares and Gucci Handbags ↗

— Saira Viola

#crime #humour #post-modern #satire #satire

If they projected the fact that they are dangerous any harder, there would be little puddles of "danger" on the floor around them. Look, it's "danger", don't step in it! ↗

— Mercedes Lackey

#satire #t-fyrr #satire

Religion and nationalism? I defecate on the altar of religious conviction, and wipe my arse on the flag of national pride. ↗

— Ian Martin

#fiction #social-satire #south-africa #religion

Now wait a second..." Kenneth butted in. "Yeah, we haven't asked you the questions yet," Brandon finished for Kenneth. "Yeah, like what are your intentions toward our little Ryan," Patrick added, smirking. "What do you do for a living?" Brandon added. "Can you support Ryan's shoe fetish?" Kenneth threw his question in too. "Hmm, okay, here are my answers. I plan on feeding him, dancing with him and God willing fucking him until he can't walk straight. I help infertile chickens have baby chickens, and I think so. I'm hoping his feet are about my size. We can share shoes and everything," Phillip answered. ↗

— Crystal Rose

#humour #gay