#i

I have never been reduced to begging somebody to leave me alone, but in your case I’ll make an exception. ↗

— Tom Upton

#young-adult-fiction #humor

You think you're so cool just because you can walk! ↗

— Jen Lancaster

#humor #humor

I had two cups of coffee, put Eric's jeans in the washer, read a romance for awhile, and studied my brand-new Word of the Day calendar, a Christmas gift from Arlene. My first word of the New Year was 'exsanguinate.' This was probably not a good omen. ↗

— Charlaine Harris

#vampire #humor

I've never questioned the integrity of an umpire. Their eyesight, yes. ↗

— Leo Durocher

#humor #sports #umpires #humor

Smoking will probably kill me, but so will natural selection. ↗

— Carroll Bryant

#humorous-philosophy #humorous-quotations #humor

I wish you would be more true to your demographic profile. Life is confusing enough. ↗

— Tony Kushner

#life #humor

Now go to bed, you crazy night owl! You have to be at NASA early in the morning. So they can look for your penis with the Hubble telescope. ↗

— Tina Fey

#nasa #penis #humor

Oh, the boots were on the other eight feet now. ↗

— Jonathan Stroud

#bartimaeus #bartimaeus-trilogy #humor #humor

Didn't anyone tell you that size doesn't matter?" "Yes, but I told him to put his pants back on and go home. ↗

— Christine Warren

#humorous #humor

If a cat sits on a hot stove, that cat won't sit on a hot stove again. That cat won't sit on a cold stove either. That cat just don't like stoves. ↗

— Mark Twain

#life #truth #humor