#la

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#because #did #died #fake #i

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#ask #following #goin #going #hook

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#break #convenience #escalator #just #never

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#blowing #bubble #carefree #felt #flavor

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#candy #front #fun #get #glass

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#i #ice #ice cube #last #last night

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#eat #fish #fishing #go #just

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#cause #down #i #know #necklace

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#banana #friend #frozen #i #later

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#blackjack #gambling #i #like #play