#lon

If London is a watercolor, New York is an oil painting. ↗

— Peter Shaffer

#new #new york #oil #painting #watercolor

Yesterday, at the company party, I made a joke and everyone laughed and said, “Hey, now there’s the Jarod Kintz we all know and love.” and I smiled, but inside I thought, “Actually, the Jarod Kintz you know and love was my clone, who I had to murder because he kept eating all my leftovers. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#clones #funny #humor #laughed #murder

Why does everyone have to pretend to be stupid and not know long words? ↗

— Martin Freeman

#everyone #know #long #long words #pretend

Companionship is a foreign concept to some people. They fear it as much as the majority of people fear loneliness. ↗

— Criss Jami

#companion #companionship #different #extroversion #fear

Don't get stabbed. It makes everything awkward. ↗

— Maureen Johnson

#awkward #funny #maureen-johnson #shades-of-london #funny

Did I hurt you in the parking lot?" "No, m'lady. I fell, so I could put a tracker on your car." Great. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#fate-s-edge #funny #george #ilona-andrews #the-edge

The only way to make sure that the Hand didn't get to you would have been to kill your brother. I could've done it, but I didn't. I just gave him some drugs." "You gave an addict in rehab drugs, and you want credit for it?" "Of course it sounds bad when you put it that way. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#audrey #fate-s-edge #funny #ilona-andrews #kaldar

I killed my clone and I hid his body behind every mirror I’ll ever step in front of. I’m always surprised to see him, and I never fail to brush his teeth or gaze at his decomposing body. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #kill #funny

I belong, and my penis, it be long.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #penis #silly #funny

And I meant to tell you: that was a one-in-a-thousand shot." She raised her hand. "Don't." "It was awesome," George confirmed. "It really was," Jack said. "His head exploded. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#fate-s-edge #funny #george #ilona-andrew #jack