#m

When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got? ↗

— Henry Rollins

#humor

Put some clothes on, you weird, yellow-eyed, table-dancing, werewolf-training, cryptic, stare-me-right-in-the-eyes-and-don't-even-blink wench. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor #women #humor

Cheeses crusty, got all musty, got damp on the stone of a peach,” I agreed. He looked blank, so I repeated it with proper emphasis. “ ChEEZ-zes crusty. Got Al -musty. Got DAMp on the StoneofapeaCH. ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#humor

You are my whole heart, Scarlet. And this is breaking it.' My heart cracked open and clear dropped out of me. My mouth opened, and I looked round me and stamped my foot. 'Does this look like a good time to tell me that, you damn stupid boy?' I meant to sound mean but my voice wobbled. 'Now?' He gave a little smile. 'My foul-mouthed warrior. ↗

— A.C. Gaughen

#love #spoiler #humor

You want him to walk?" Caleb demands. "Are you insane?" "Did I shoot him in the leg?" I say. "No. He walks. Where do we go, Peter? ↗

— Veronica Roth

#humor

Laurel, David? Would you like to share the joke with the rest of the class?" he asked, one hand on his skinny hip. "No, sir," David said. "But thank you for asking." The students around them laughed, but Mr. james didn't look pleased. Laurel leaned back and grinned. David, one. Teacher who wishes he was as smart as David? Zero ↗

— Aprilynne Pike

#teacher #humor

See? This is why I'm not religious. I couldn't possibly keep my mouth shut long enough to get along with everyone else. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor #religion #humor

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them. ↗

— E. V. Lucas

#late #much #noticed #often #people

Myrnin, who hadn't said much, suddenly reached out and wrapped his arms around her. She stiffened, shocked, and for a panicked second wondered whether he'd suddenly decided to snack on her neck... but it was just a hug. His body felt cold against hers, and way too close, but then he let go and stepped back. "You've done very well. I'm extremely proud of you," he said. There was a touch of color high in his pale cheeks. "Do go home now. And shower. You reek like the dead." Which, coming from a vampire, was pretty rich. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#funny #ghost-town #humor #morganville-vampires #myrnin

I've tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I'm having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it that one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere but you must busta cap in someone's ass? Is "ho" always feminine, and "muthafucka" always masculine, while "bitch" can be either? How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to get all up in that, and do I need to be dope and phat to be da bomb or can I just be "stupid"? I'll not be singing over any dead mothers until I understand. ↗

— Christopher Moore

#humor