#m

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#business #came #casino #exit #fire

People always ask me 'do you think there should be more bands doing political music?' and I say 'absolutely not.' ↗

— Serj Tankian

#absolutely not #always #ask #bands #doing

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#great #hungry #really #rice #something

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#i #ice #ice cube #last #last night

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#hippopotamus #just #really

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#severed #stocking #ultimate

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#eat #fish #fishing #go #just

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#i #like #more #more people #people

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#depressing #get #good #how #i

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#any #car #cars #coming #exactly