#m

I decided to irritate him, on the premise that it couldn't make my situation any worse. ↗

— Jeff Somers

#humor

It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. It was the future, and everything sucked. ↗

— Greg Nagan

#first-sentence #first-words #humor #opening-lines #parody

He'd gone to church for forty years and was only getting worse. It seemed like this should tell God something. ↗

— Sue Monk Kidd

#god #humor #humor

Shamus ordered half a cup of house brew. Then he proceeded to fill the cup up the rest of the way with milk and sugar. Lots of sugar. “Sure you got enough milk in your sugar?” I asked as we strolled out of the shop and headed south. He flipped me off. “You drink your coffee your way, and I’ll drink my coffee the right way. ↗

— Devon Monk

#humor

When oranges came in, a curious proceeding was gone through. Miss Jenkyns did not like to cut the fruit, for, as she observed, the juice all ran out nobody knew where, sucking [only I think she used some more recondite word] was in fact the only way of enjoying oranges; but then there was the unpleasant association with a ceremony frequently gone through by little babies; and so, after dessert, in orange season, Miss Jenkyns and Miss Matty used to rise up, possess themselves each of an orange in silence, and withdraw to the privacy of their own rooms to indulge in sucking oranges. ↗

— Elizabeth Gaskell

#oranges #humor

Did you just seriously quote Grease? I think I'm gonna have to revoke your man card. ↗

— Elizabeth Sharp

#humour #humor

Don't be bashful; we're among gentlemen. It's a known fact that we men are the missing link between the pirate and the pig. ↗

— Carlos Ruiz Zafón

#men #wisdom #humor

Aspirin?” I asked. It came out sounding a lot like ass spoon, but Zayvion seemed fluent in mumbleze. ↗

— Devon Monk

#humor

Or, I could just sit in the bushes and pump the hand pump until the plumbing was superpressurized to 110 psi. This way, when someone goes to flush a toilet, the toilet tank will explode. At 150 psi, if someone turns on the shower, the water pressure will blow off the shower head, strip the threads, blam, the shower head turns into a mortar shell. Tyler only says this to make me feel better. The truth is I like my boss. Besides, I'm enlightened now. You know, only Buddha-style behavior. ↗

— Chuck Palahniuk

#humor

Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo. ↗

— Woody Allen

#humor