#m

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job. (You're totally welcome, guys. P.S. Girls can't see this sentence!!!!!) ↗

— Eugene Mirman

#humor #oral-sex #sex #humor

Authors of light pieces have, nobody knows why, a genius for getting into minor difficulties: they walk into the wrong apartments, they drink furniture polish for stomach bitters, they drive their cars into the prize tulip beds of haughty neighbors, they playfully slap gangsters, mistaking them for old school friends. ↗

— James Thurber

#humor

I do beg you to have some regard for my pride. A million years? I assure you I would stop asking after the first thousand. ↗

— Mary Balogh

#humor #humor

I wondered if I could get a witch to cast a truth spell on Debbie Pelt, whom I despised because she had been cruel to Alcide, insulted me grievously, burned a hole in my favorite wrap and--oh--tried to kill me by proxy. Also, she had stupid hair. ↗

— Charlainne Harris

#sookie-stackhouse #vampires #humor

What is with Greenpeace anyway? Who wants to live in harmony with nature?! I lived in harmony with nature and it gave me a rash! ↗

— Dr. Umeda from Hana Kimi

#hisaya-nakajo #humor #humor

Do not put statements in the negative form. And don't start sentences with a conjunction. If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all. De-accession euphemisms. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Last, but not least, avoid cliches like the plague. ↗

— William Safire

#humor #writing #humor

In Hollywood there are a lot of very insecure men running the business. ↗

— Rosanna Arquette

#hollywood #insecure #lot #men #running

Good evening, Lord Corwin,' said the lean, cadaverous figure who rested against a storage rack, smoking his pipe, grinning around it. Good evening, Roger. How are things in the nether world?' A rat, a bat, a spider. Nothing much else astir. Peaceful.' You enjoy this duty?' He nodded. I am writing a philosophical romance shot through with elements of horror and morbidity. I work on those parts down here. ↗

— Roger Zelazny

#humor #metafiction #writing #humor

Scientists want to search for alien signals because that's what gets them publicity. They are like Jesus Christ." "Jesus Christ?" Nambodri asked, with a faintly derogatory chuckle. "Yes. They are exactly like Jesus Christ. You know that he turned water into wine." "I've heard that story." "From the point of view of pure chemistry, it is more miraculous to make wine into water than water into wine. But he did not do that. Because if he had gone to someone's house and converted their wine into water, they would have crucified him much earlier. He knew, Jana. He knew making water into wine was a more popular thing to do. ↗

— Manu Joseph

#jesus-christ #scientists #humor

You may marry Miss Grey for her fifteen pounds but you will always be my Willoughby. My nightmare. My sorrow. My past. My mistake. My regret. My love. ↗

— Shannon L. Alder

#love #unrequited-love #humor