#m

How did you do it?" he wanted to know. "Enchanted arrows? Spell of exploding flesh? Rain of fire? No, not that. The worm would be cooked and we would be eating it. Wand of destruction? Oh, a wand of destruction would be a find, fine thing." He turned to me. "Speak up, girl." I hit him with your skillet. A lot. ↗

— Holly Lisle

#humor

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ↗

— Jimmy Durante

#marriage #humor

His books commingled democratically, united under the all-inclusive flag of Literature. Some were vertical, some horizontal, and some actually placed behind others. Mine were balkanized by nationality and subject matter. ↗

— Anne Fadiman

#humor #humor

Hans: [Y]ou can't conceive what a great fellow I'm going to be. The seed of immortality has sprouted within me. Deronda: Only a fungoid growth, I daresay - a crowing disease in the lungs. ↗

— George Eliot

#humor

A woman never reveals her national origins. Once people know that, none of her information is personal. Soon they'll want to know her religion, her marital status, and her real hair color. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #mysterious #women #funny

Well spit on my empty grave if it ain't the attack of the disney princesses! ↗

— Amy Plum

#humor

She would thump them both, and she would apologize to neither. ↗

— Kristin Cashore

#humor

Aer-O-Smith. Arrowsmith. Does the shirt belong to your weapon dealer?” “No.” “Then why do you wear the shirt of someone else’s weapon dealer? ↗

— Jim Butcher

#harry-dresden #humor #t-shirts #humor

There's no perk in being closed-minded as a minority. It's never, ever, ever going to help you, ever. ↗

— Baratunde R. Thurston

#wisdom #humor

One more question." Finn had a smirk on his face. "Do you use…" "If you say litter box, I will empty that pitcher of water on your head." She thought for a second and added, "Before I slash the tires on your car." "My baby?" Kess grinned. "Kidding! I'd just key it." She turned to Burke who was smirking at the look on his brother's face. "Is he always like this? ↗

— Jeanette Battista

#humor