#m

Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car. ↗

— Jon Stewart

#obama #parking #humor

Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#morelli #humor

It takes a lot of time to be a genius. You have to sit around so much, doing nothing, really doing nothing. ↗

— Gertrude Stein

#humor #humor

I have no clue. I have ovaries; therefore, I repel all things mechanical. ↗

— M. Leighton

#humor

We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own. ↗

— Groucho Marx

#humor

Civilization is vastly overrated. ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#humor #humor

I have a plan.” He groaned. “I was afraid of that.” “My plans are not terrible.” “Isabelle’s plans are terrible.” He pointed a finger at her. “Your plans are suicidal. At best.” She sat back, her arms crossed over her chest. “Do you want to hear it or not? You have to keep it a secret.” “I would pluck out my own eyes with a fork before I would give away your secrets,” Simon said, then looked anxious. “Wait a second. Do you think that’s likely to be required? ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor

I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don't know what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#humor #writing #humor

I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#humor

I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember? ↗

— Eoin Colfer

#humor #humor