#m

The monkey didn't help matters any. He was sitting on top of the microbus, just watching the undead plunge to their end. His face appeared so serene, so intelligent, as if he truly understood the situation. I almost wanted him to turn to me and say, 'This is the turning point of the war! We've finally stopped them! We're finally safe!' But instead his little penis popped out and he peed in my face. ↗

— Max Brooks

#monkey #zombies #humor

Joy said she hadn't really understood the meaning of life until Tyffanie had come along, but now she understood it perfectly. Well, great, I felt like saying. Make sure you share the news with Plato and Kierkegaard and all those other philosophers who'd banged their heads against the wall, trying to figure things out. ↗

— Wally Lamb

#humor

It’s time for the human race to enter the solar system. ↗

— Dan C. Quayle

#humor #humor

Why is it when you want the ground to swallow you whole, it decides to stop trying? -Ethon ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#humor #humor

I'm giving [my analyst] one more year--then I'm going to Lourdes. ↗

— Woody Allen

#humor

No point making rules against things that are impossible. ↗

— G. Norman Lippert

#humor

and, unlike the celebrated herd in the poem, they were not forty children conducting themselves as one, but every child was conducting itself like forty. ↗

— Charles Dickens

#humor #humor

It's not the despair, Laura. I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand. ~ Brian Stimpson, Clockwise ↗

— John Cleese

#writing #humor

The dull people decided years and years ago, as everyone knows, that novel-writing was the lowest species of literary exertion, and that novel reading was a dangerous luxury and an utter waste of time. ↗

— Wilkie Collins

#humor #leisure #novels #reading #humor

you know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time.... husband!!! ↗

— Bill Maher

#humor