#m

I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush. ↗

— George Carlin

#humor

Close your eyes, and think of someone you physically admire, and let me kiss you. ↗

— Morrissey

#love #lyrics #music #humor

The laws of men are not infallible. ↗

— Wayne Gerard Trotman

#infallibility #law #laws #men #people

Outcasts may grow up to be novelists and filmmakers and computer tycoons, but they will never be the athletic ruling class. ↗

— Chuck Klosterman

#sports #humor

Well, a peach has a lovely taste and so does a mushroom, but you can't put the two together... ↗

— Arthur Golden

#humor

I bet you can't eat ten bananas!" "I bet you're right. ↗

— Sarah Dessen

#humor

How did you hear about that?' 'Are you kidding me? So far, I had that runt Kyle-' 'I hate him. I hate all vamps. That complete toad, Michael-' '-tell me you were pregnant by a vamp-' 'kidnnaped me and-Kyle said WHAT?' 'and then a member of the Domi shows up and informs me-' 'The Domi sent someone HERE?' '-that you're actually pregnant by the late king of the Fey.' 'Late?!' Heidar squeaked. ↗

— Karen Chance

#damphir #dorina #fey #fiction #humor

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand? ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

I have infinite capacity to do more work as long as you don't mind that my quality approaches zero. ↗

— Scott Adams

#humor

I felt a strange fluttering sensation in my chest. Butterflies, cardiac arrest . . . it was hard to say what exactly. ↗

— Richelle Mead

#love #humor