#m

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. ↗

— Rita Rudner

#country #die #fight #get #go

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. ↗

— Rita Rudner

#bought #ear #experienced #i #i think

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. ↗

— Rita Rudner

#anything #children #even #feels #friends

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. ↗

— Rita Rudner

#cosmetic #doctor #full #going #i

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. ↗

— Rita Rudner

#gracefully #grow #i #meet #old

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. ↗

— Rita Rudner

#grandmother #husbands #just #napping #she

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. ↗

— Rita Rudner

#around #day #fake #gave #head

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? ↗

— Rita Rudner

#better #dresses #fire #hold #looks

I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. ↗

— Rita Rudner

#conversation #i #like #makes #me

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. ↗

— Rita Rudner

#i #just #laugh #make #middle