#m

Nights were the worst. I'd try to get some sleep, only to be thrown out of bed and dragged out into the compound for another game of "Let's whack Bobby in the dark!" - Bobby Pendragon, RoZ ↗

— D.J. MacHale

#humor

Sometimes I forget how much I like riding the bike." Most chicks do," I said. "Roar of the engine and so on." Murphy's blue eyes glittered with annoyance and anticipation. "Pig. You really enjoy dropping all women together in the same demographic, don't you?" It's not my fault all women like motorcycles, Murph. They're basically huge vibrators. With wheels. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor #karrin-murphy #women #humor

I already have one Sheepbiter here,” said Eragon, and laid a hand on Saphira. “Why would I need another?” Angela broke out into a wide smile. “So you’re not entirely devoid of wit after all! There just might be hope for you.” And she danced off toward the keep, twirling her doublebladed staff by her side and muttering, “Fire? Bah!” A soft growl emanated from Saphira, and she said, Be careful whom you call Sheepbiter, Eragon, or you might get bitten yourself. Yes, Saphira. ↗

— Christopher Paolini

#humor #humor

Peter to Austin: "Hard-ons don't make you think less. They make you think stupid. Which makes me think you must have one 24/7. ↗

— Dani Alexander

#gay #glbt #humor #insults #mm

When life gives you lemons. . . You might as well shove 'em where the sun don't shine, because you sure as hell aren't ever going to see any lemonade. ↗

— Rob Thurman

#lemonade #lemons #nightlife #humor

Heaven has no taste." "Now-" "And not one single sushi restaurant." A look of pain crossed the angel's suddenly very serious face. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor #sushi #humor

You’re not as sexy as I think you are.” She squinted. Wait. That hadn’t come out right. ↗

— Thea Harrison

#tricks #humor

Give the People what they want - and they'll get what they deserve. ↗

— The Kinks

#irony #life-lessons #popular-culture #rock-music #wit

Hugh consoled me, saying, "Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at." When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he'll need some time to think. ↗

— David Sedaris

#iq #smart #talent #humor

Man makes plans . . . and God laughs. ↗

— Michael Chabon

#futility #humor