#ma

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#candy #front #fun #get #glass

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#i #ice #ice cube #last #last night

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#severed #stocking #ultimate

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#eat #fish #fishing #go #just

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#depressing #get #good #how #i

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#any #car #cars #coming #exactly

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#cheese #macaroni

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#disillusion #go #here #i #i am

So I do have to work, you know, and I find as many movies and TV shows that I can, because otherwise I wouldn't have an income. ↗

— Tippi Hedren

#find #i #i can #i do #income

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#eat #how #hungry #i #i am