#mo

Lady, I do not make up things. That is lies. Lies are not true. But the truth could be made up if yo know how. And that's the truth. ↗

— Lily Tomlin

#lies #truth #humor

And if we know how to light a fire, why do we carry tinder around with us?" Because you're humans," the little one explained serenly. "You're stupid. ↗

— Silvana De Mari

#humor

Yukiko steered the subject away from sex as fast as she could. She was still occasionally woken by nightmares about the day her father had tried to sit her down for "the talk". ↗

— Jay Kristoff

#humor

You got some cheap foreign labor to protect Lissa? ↗

— Richelle Mead

#humor

After all, what's good enough for Austen ought to be good enough for anyone. ↗

— Mary Ann Shaffer

#humor

As I sat in the hot, salty water, I thought, 'No wonder Mr. Bubble always gives me a urinary tract infection and hives.' Mr. Bubble was for common people. Mr. Bubble was for my so-called brother, their true child. I was a Vanderbilt. I should bathe in condiments and seasonings. ↗

— Augusten Burroughs

#humor

He looked as shocked as if I'd asked him to masturbate in front of me. ↗

— Dia Reeves

#humor

Let’s not mince words: the inside of the Sydney casino looks as if Vegas had an illegitimate child with Liberace’s underpants, and that child fell down a staircase and hit its head on the edge of a spade. ↗

— Steve Toltz

#insults #ugly #humor

Arik didn’t know how long he’d been in hell. Time was one never-ending, no-lube f&*k when you were in the dark and in agony. ↗

— Larissa Ione

#humor

On November 18 of alternate years Mr Earbrass begins writing 'his new novel'. Weeks ago he chose its title at random from a list of them he keeps in a little green note-book. It being tea-time of the 17th, he is alarmed not to have thought of a plot to which The Unstrung Harp might apply. ↗

— Edward Gorey

#writing #humor