#mo

Women are sneaky. ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#women #humor

It was like there was an elephant in the room. An elephant that expected us to have sex. ↗

— Morgan Matson

#humor

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

Your mother sounds like a formidable woman," Valek said into the silence. "You have no idea," Leif replied with a sigh. "Well, if she's anything like Yelena, my deepest sympathies," Valek teased. "Hey!" Leif laughed and the tense moment dissipated. Valek handed Leif his machete. "Do you know how to use it?" "Of course. I chopped Yelena's bow into firewood," Leif joked. ↗

— Maria V. Snyder

#leif #valek #humor

As far as I can tell, there are two basic (kissing) rules: 1. Don't bite anything without permission. 2. The human tongue is like wasabi: it's very powerful, and should be used sparingly. ↗

— John Green

#kissing #humor

anyway. Leo said, I hope you've got your worksheet, 'cause I used mine for spit wads days ago. Why are you looking at me like that? Somebody draw on my face again? ↗

— Rick Riordan

#leo #humor

He was stupid. If I killed everyone who was stupid, I wouldn't have time to sleep. ↗

— Tamora Pierce

#stupidity #humor

We're going to the Underworld," Izzy said. She bounced a little as she said it, her eyes bright and her tone implying that "the Underworld" was akin to "Candy Land. ↗

— Rachel Hawkins

#humor

When I was little I bragged about my firefighting father: my father would go to heaven, because if he went to hell he would put out all the fires ↗

— Jodi Picoult

#father #firefighting #heaven #hell #humor

You couldn't be satisfied with being an amateur asshole, could you, Jimbo! You had to go and turn pro on me! ↗

— Susan Elizabeth Phillips

#police #humor