#mo

Let me be sure I understand this babies thing. These items are how big? . . . And they come out of WHERE? ↗

— Wendy Bertsch

#humor

Blessed are those who drink for they shall never be dehydrated (their kidneys would probably need help later though but until then.. bottoms up!) ↗

— Bisola Akinduro

#humor

She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy. ↗

— Patrick Major Dallas OR

#dogs #gun #humor #husky #metaphor

Were you terrified, Murgatroyd?" Murgatroyd nodded eagerly. "There you go, girl: You're a terrorist. You make me twitchy, and under Article Forty-One of the 2000 Terrorism Bill, that's all I need. Time for some reasonable force, I think. ↗

— China Miéville

#satire #humor

He downed the last of his coffee, carried his mug over to the pot, poured himself a refill, and returned to the table. Why, yes, thank you, I'd love some more coffee. Hmmm, Narcisstic Personality Disorder? Attention Deficit Disorder? Or just a typical male? ↗

— Lynda Hilburn

#humor

You'll call me a damned Jew, a Christ murderer, a secret worshipper of pigs and a kidnapper of christian children.' This was all said cheerfully. 'How absurd! Who would want to kidnap children, Christian or otherwise? Vile things. The only mercy of children is that they grow up, as my son has but then, tragically, they beget more children. We do not learn life's lessons. ↗

— Bernard Cornwell

#humor

I've admired a lot of people in my life time and some of them were actually alive. ↗

— Stanley Victor Paskavich

#humor

How to get in trouble #43: I was once caught staring at a woman's breasts, when she asked "why do you keep staring on my breasts?", I replied with "because your face is ugly ↗

— Haresh Daswani

#humor

In the church is a memorial to Mrs. Sarah Hill, who bequeathed 1 pound annually, to be divided at Easter, between two boys and two girls who "have never been undutiful to their parents; who have never been known to swear or to tell untruths, to steal, or to break windows." Fancy giving up all that for five shillings a year! It is not worth it! ↗

— Jerome K. Jerome

#humor

...you'll find that God often chooses to speak through the dying and the insane...A healthy person might be apt to filter the divine message, to alter it with his or her own personality. In other words, a healthy person might make a shitty prophet. ↗

— Stephen King

#humor