#nit

Grab life by the tail, and then pet it.
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— Jarod Kintz

#animal #funny #humor #life #love

In an out-of-body experience, your astral projection comes down to gloat. In insanity, your mind goes to a nudist colony. In philanthropy, your soul ascends to purgatory. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #insanity #philanthropy #experience

Neighbors are the most indecent sort of folk around. Nothing but voyeurs and gossipers. As a community we would be much better off without them. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #gossiping #humor #neighbors #voyeurism

Ladies and gentleman," he said over the speakers, "welcome aboard this recently liberated Gulfstream V. If I could have your attention for just a few moments, I'd like to go over the safety features of this aircraft. It has an engine, to make us go, and wings, to keep us in the air. There are seatbelts, which won't do you an awful lot of good if we fly into the side of a mountain. ↗

— Derek Landy

#craft #fly #funny #malifecent #plane

This is stolen? We're in a stolen jet?" "Not stolen," said Donegan Bane from the co-pilot's seat. "Almost stolen," Grascious corrected. "Semi-stolen," said Donegan. "Quasi stolen," said Grascious. Aurora's frown did not turn upside down. "So is it stolen or not?" Donegan and Grascious hesitated. "Yes,"they both said toghether. ↗

— Derek Landy

#humor #malifecent #pilot #planes #sculduggery

I am oblivious to the obvious – it is such a vulgar way to characterize things. I have too much subtlety to notice anything beneath my dignity. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #obliviousness #obviousness #vulgarity

Pastors are starting to get wily. When people tell my friend, 'I'm not being fed,' he replies, 'I'm prefectly happy to spoon feed my one-year-old. But if I'm still spoon-feeding him when he's five, we've got a problem. Here's a fork. Feed yourself. ↗

— Jon Acuff

#christians #funny #inspirational #spiritual-growth #funny

Another reason is that the letters are almost always funny, offering readers the spectacle of some pompous self-celebrator given ample ironic room in which to parade his self-solicited hurt. ↗

— Paul Fussell

#funny

There is a funny story I always tell my students...when I came for the first time to the US. I didn’t speak English (Only Spanish) & I saw on every door the word “exit” which in Spanish means Success = Exito. And then I said :”No wonder Americans are winners ,every door they take leads to success” ~smile :) ↗

— Pablo

#funny #humor #opportunity #success #funny

If flatness were funny, a dinner plate would be hilarious. ↗

— Walter Moers

#insanity #funny