#ny

My spouse makes a lot of sacrifices for me. I've devoted all of myself to her, and she lops me off one piece at a time in tribute to her pagan love deity. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #marriage #sacrifice #funny

I like using big words because it gets a response out of people. They say, 'Was that an insult?' Soon I'll have enough scars to make an impression as the strong, silent type. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #humor #vocabulary #funny

I want to do a comedy routine full of inside jokes. The people standing out in the rain won’t appreciate them, but neither will audience members lacking a self-effacing streak. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #funny

I would rather die than be a plumber, but thanks to lead I can do both. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #plumbing #funny

Rioter: a person who wants dinner, and needs a TV to eat it with. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #rioting #funny

My life is like a reality show. Whenever I cuss I bleep myself out with my air horn, and when my friends get naked I take off my glasses. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #reality-shows #funny

Now and Laters. Starbust, Pixie Stix. If she gets too bitchy, just feed her this crap. As long as the sugar high is in effect, you and the wildlife should be safe ↗

— Gayle Forman

#funny

The critics hated it. What’s worse, not a single person in that audience could give any reasoned arguments. Why they came out just to waste their good judgment is another thing I’ll never know. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #humor #funny

If my name were C. Ross, I’d definitely be religious. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #religion #funny

Because to me, there is no logic of any kind behind misogyny. Therefore, it’s funny, because it’s so completely random to me. It’s senseless. ↗

— Joss Whedon

#joss-whedon #pro-feminist #whedon #funny