#ny

Bride, n. - A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. ↗

— Ambrose Bierce

#happiness #humor #marriage #matrimony #satire

When you're writing what you love, it's the most fun you can have with your clothing still on, unless of course, you write naked. ↗

— Don Roff

#humor #writing #funny

I am a conservative. It’s like being a preservative, but with a backwards shelf life. I conserve the values of the past, and I keep them there so I can behave liberally now . ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #liberal #funny

Why not? It's true. I don't even laugh for anyone but you." She hesitated, for that one. Did he really mean that? Surely not. "Tim seems like a really funny guy." She tried, but all it did was make his mouth form that mean line. "Tim pees in the kitchen sink." "Well, okay. I could atleast promise not to do that, but even so- ↗

— Charlotte Stein

#funny

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.' But eating too many, is quite enough-plenty. And you'll have to go see the good doc anyway. ↗

— Solange nicole

#humor #life-lessons #philosophy #solange #funny

Modern wife: A position thought to require great ambition to fill. After initially showing some skill at a maid service or department store, the husband takes her home to find that she has risen too high in the world to generalize that skill, which drives him to drink. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #marriage #wife #funny

I’ll not only win glory in a castrated bullfighting tournament, I can make a profit by selling rocky mountain oysters, too. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #humor #funny

You either trust me or you don't. I've never let you down, and I won't walk away unless you make me. Period. Now, unless you have a real emergency, I'd like to get back to my vacation. And my corpse, thanks. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#cat-crawfield #catherine-crawfield #funny #humor #jeaniene-frost

I can’t chitchat and make breakfast at the same time. You could help, you know, instead of standing there like the Queen of England. Although you’re a lot better-looking. ↗

— Susan Elizabeth Phillips

#humor #funny

I think sometimes people think cheerful is a synonym for dumb, so no one is ever cheerful. ↗

— Mindy Kaling

#irony #humor