#ny

A blanket could be used to cover up my shame. And if it’s a big enough blanket, it could also be used to cover up the naked and sweaty body of my clone. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A pair of bricks, when affixed to the bottom of a lady’s shoes, makes an affordable and utilitarian set of platform shoes. That’s the sort of platform that I’d like to run for political office on.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A blanket could be used as a cape. But why would I do that? I’m trying to keep my super powers secret, and a cape’s like a cloth billboard advertising to all the people that need help that I’m the man to assist them—and even worse is that fact that a cape confirms—conforms, really—to the notion that I’m willing to perform miracles for free. And that’s simply not the case. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A blanket could be used as a dialogue filter, a speaking partition, with the blanket hanging on a clothes line and two people engaged in conversation—one on each side of the blanket. The blanket will serve as a method of purification and a way to make the words more fluid. When you’re trying to talk through a blanket, you’re going to choose words that are precise, piercing, and clearly enunciated. Also, having a blanket block the view of the person you’re conversing with will eliminate body language, forcing you to crystallize your sentences into strings of diamonds. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Bricks could be used to make shoes out of. Just as brick houses are better than wooden houses, so too would brick shoes be better than wooden shoes. Just ask the Dutch. I’m sure they’d be lining up to buy my new line of brick running shoes. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

I’m a bona fide bon vivant. Tonight, I gave the toast. I told everyone it was spread with butter, but it was actually margarine. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #humor #sincerity #funny

It'd be funny if one of them was called Gavin. Funny but irrelevant. ↗

— John Marsden

#funny

Caroline's lips thinned, her face flushed. "My husband, sir, has more secrets in his tiny, insignificant mind than the entire British War Department has had on file since its inception." She huffed with pure, disgusted outrage, lowering her gaze to the floor to murmur, "I'll kill him. ↗

— Adele Ashworth

#husband-and-wife #sarcastic #funny

I have not had so good of a week. Well, monday was a pretty good day, if you don't count Hamburger Surprise at lunch and Margaret's mother coming to get her. Or the stuff that happened in the principal's office when I got sent there to explain that Margaret's hair was not my fault and besides she looks okay without it, but I couldn't because Principal Rice was gone, trying to calm down Margaret's mother. Someone should tell you not to answer the phone in the principal's office, if that's a rule. Okay, fine, Monday was not so good of a day. ↗

— Sara Pennypacker

#funny

I wish I knew what you were talking about," she returned. "Where's the pin?" "Pin?" "Yes. Pin. To fasten the diaper. The kid can't hold the thing up with two hands. ↗

— Emma Goldrick

#funny