#on

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#blowing #bubble #carefree #felt #flavor

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#candy #front #fun #get #glass

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#business #came #casino #exit #fire

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#days #haven #i #long #slept

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#cheese #macaroni

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#i #lift #literal #me #once

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. ↗