#on

Prejudice is a raft onto which the shipwrecked mind clambers and paddles to safety. ↗

— Ben Hecht

#onto #prejudice #raft #safety #shipwrecked

There's only one law you gotta follow to keep outta trouble. Do it first, do it yourself, and keep on doin' it. ↗

— Ben Hecht

#first #follow #gotta #keep #law

Trying to determine what is going on in the world by reading newspapers is like trying to tell the time by watching the second hand of a clock. ↗

— Ben Hecht

#determine #going #hand #like #newspapers

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#break #convenience #escalator #just #never

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#blowing #bubble #carefree #felt #flavor

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#candy #front #fun #get #glass

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#business #came #casino #exit #fire

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#days #haven #i #long #slept

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#cheese #macaroni

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#i #lift #literal #me #once