#or

You ate something yesterday.You sure?"asked Simon Jace shrugged."Well,I wouldnt swear on a stack of Bibles.I think it was yesterday,though. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor

Be With Me In The Phases Of My Work Because My Brain Feels Like It Has Been Whipped And I Yearn To Make A Small Perfect Thing Which Will Live In Your Morning Like Curious Static Through A President's Elegy Or A Nude Hunchback Acquiring A Tan On The Crowded Oily Beach. ↗

— Leonard Cohen

#humor #inspiration #science #humor

I must have your promise, Coach, that you won't hurt her." "I promise." "You spoke a bit too quickly for my taste. I don't quite believe you." "I'm a man of my word, and I promise that I won't hurt her.When I murder her, I'll do it real quick, so she won't feel a thing." Viktor sighed. "That's exactly what I was afraid of. ↗

— Susan Elizabeth Phillips

#humor #susan-elizabeth-phillips #humor

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show. ↗

— George Carlin

#childhood #hip #humor #strippers #humor

She folded her arms and then shouted, "Right you thieving scunners! How dare you steal Miss Treason's funeral meats!" "Oh, waily, waily, it's the foldin' o' the arms, the foooldin' o' the aaaarmss!" cried Daft Wullie, dropping to the ground and trying to cover himself with leaves. Around him Feegles started to wail and cower and Big Yan began to bang his head on the rear wall of the dairy. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, then throw them in the face of the person who gave you the lemons in the first place and ask for your oranges again. ↗

— NewsRadio

#humor

Humor is tragedy plus time. ↗

— Mark Twain

#tragedy #humor

Don't you understand?" snarled Rincewind. "We are going over the Edge, godsdammit!" "Can't we do anything about it?" "No!" "Then I can't see the sense in panicking," said Twoflower calmly. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor

It was Will who broke the silence. “Very well. You have me alone in the corridor—” “Yes, yes,” said Tessa impatiently, “and thousands of women all over England would pay handsomely for the privilege of such an opportunity. Can we put aside the display of your wit for a moment? This is important. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#tessa-gray #will-herondale #humor