#or

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck ↗

— George Carlin

#humor

Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It’s beyond me. ↗

— Zora Neale Hurston

#humor #self-assurance #self-worth #humor

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100. ↗

— Woody Allen

#humor #uncertainty #humor

I'm going to talk to her." "And how's that going to go? You're just going to walk up to her and say, 'Hey, I know you've never seen me before, but I'm your dad. Oh, and guess what? You've won the evolutionary lottery: You're a vampire. Let's go to Disneyland! ↗

— J.R. Ward

#vampire #humor

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena. ↗

— Jon Stewart

#government #humor #politics #public-opinion #humor

Jeez, Hazel," Percy said, "tell your horse to watch his language." Hazel tried not to laugh. "What did he say?" "With the cussing removed? He said he can get us to the top." Frank looked incredulous. "I thought the horse couldn't fly!" This time Arion whinnied so angrily, even Hazel could guess he was cursing. "Dude," Percy told the horse, "I've gotten suspended for saying less than that... ↗

— Rick Riordan

#horse #humor #humor

So much good, so much evil. Just add water. ↗

— Markus Zusak

#humor

Poirot," I said. "I have been thinking." "An admirable exercise my friend. Continue it. ↗

— Agatha Christie

#thinking #humor

I turned to Dionysus. "You cured him?" "Madness is my specialty. It was quite simple." "But...you did something nice. Why?" He raised and eyebrow. "I am nice! I simple ooze niceness, Perry Johansson. Haven't you noticed? ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor #madness #nice #percy-jackson #sarcasm

You were wrong. She really is the new general in town." I smiled back, hoping he wasn't aware of my body's reaction to us standing so close. "Maybe. But, it's okay. You can still be colonel." He arched an eyebrow. "Oh? Did you demote yourself? Colonel's right below general. What's that make you?" I reached into my pocket and triumphantly flashed the CR-V keys I'd swiped when we'd come back inside. "The driver," I said. ↗

— Richelle Mead

#humor #rose-hathaway #humor