#or

See?" I crowed. "I know what I'm doing. Two weeks, tops, and you'll be begging to dip your fries in my shake." "You think?" It took me about a second before I realized I'd done it again. My mouth seriously needed a chaperone. ↗

— Elise Allen

#humor #teens #humor

Don't be ridiculous, man," said Ridcully, "there's no such thing as dwarf smuggling." "Yeah? Then what's that you've got there?" "I'm a giant," said Casanunda. "Giants are a lot bigger." "I've been ill. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor

Dear Bill (O'Reilly)...I am concerned that you have been losing touch with reality recently. Did you really say you are more powerful than any politician? That reminds me of the famous story about Squeaky the Chicago Mouse. It seems that Squeaky was floating on his back along the Chicago River one day. Approaching the Michigan Avenue lift bridge, he called out: Raise the bridge! I have an erection! ↗

— Roger Ebert

#politics #humor

GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to the demands of American Socialism. ↗

— Ambrose Bierce

#politics #socialism #humor

I help others because I can, not because I expect something in return. ↗

— Amy Manemann

#mystery-suspense #relationships #humor

You might be on the right track but if you don't move on, you'll get hit by a train. ↗

— Will Rodgers

#humor

A young Buddhist frog took a leap, into some traffic, "Beep, Beep!" He sprang from his feet, jumping into the street, and soon became one with a jeep. -The Ginger Poem of the Month ↗

— Lennie Peterson

#humor

...and then I ripped his lungs out. ↗

— Anne Taintor

#humor

The nuns were still just one step behind her. ↗

— Anne Taintor

#humor

Nina looked up, her eyes fixing on mine with such ferocity I could almost see the undead vampire in them. "There is something under here," she said, and I shivered. "Yeah, we know, dirt nap," Jenks said. "Rachel already told us. ↗

— Kim Harrison

#jenks #humor