#p

Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything. ↗

— Dave Barry

#plumbers #time #humor

If you need help bark like a dog." - Gendry. "That's stupid. If I need help I'll shout help." - Arya ↗

— George R.R. Martin

#bark #dog #gendry #help #humor

My parents are going to kill me!" "That seems rather harsh... ↗

— Garth Nix

#humor #paranoia #parents #humor

...cursing my heels and debating whether it was faster to stop and take them off--damn ankle straps!--or keep running with the potential neck breakers. Wouldn’t that make a charming epitaph? Here lies Cat. Killed not by fang, but Ferragamos. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#humor #vampire #humor

Don't blame me. Tell your mom to move closer. Tell her there's this new club called civilization and you guys should join. ↗

— Becca Fitzpatrick

#humor #hush-hush #vee-sky #humor

Hey, Carlos," the Professor says when he walks in. "How was REACH?" "It sucked." "Can you be more specific?" my guardian asks. "It really sucked," I elaborate, sarcasm dripping from every word. ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#humor #perfect-chemistry #sarcasm #humor

The storm stops at the door. Love reigns, peace dwells. ↗

— Thomas S. Monson

#inspirational

Usually my form of turning someone down was shoving a stake through his heart while smirking, Gotcha! ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#paranormal #romance #humor

I WILL NOT TOLERATE MENTION OF YOUR ABNORMALITY UNDER THIS ROOF! ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#harry-potter #humor #magic #humor

I still can't believe," Michael said, sotto voce, "that you came to the Vampires' Masquerade Ball dressed as a vampire. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor #michael-carpenter #humor