#pa

Now, the impact on export markets - we export about 10 percent of what we produce, so obviously that will probably have some impact on the market. At this point it's too early to determine how much. ↗

— Ann Veneman

#determine #early #export #how #impact

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up. ↗

— Phyllis Diller

#parenting #humor

Why don't I just hand you my panties and be done with it. ↗

— Susan Elizabeth Phillips

#panties #humor

It's amazing--my parents call everything a discussion. If I were standing across the street, firing a bazooka at my mother, while my father was launching mortar back at me, and Jeffery was charging down the driveway with a grenade in his teeth, my parents would say we should stop having this public "discussion". ↗

— Jordan Sonnenblick

#euphemism #humor #parents #humor

Don't panic. Are you sitting? You probably don't need to sit. Well, possibly. At least lean on something. ↗

— Maggie Stiefvater

#panic #humor

And I can see Russia from my house. ↗

— Tina Fey

#sarah-palin #humor

Jev stroked his chin. "Do I look like a summer fling? ↗

— Becca Fitzpatrick

#humor #jev #nora-grey #patch-cipriano #funny

Earth,” he began, ignoring the impulse to open his notes folder and count the words. He knew this lecture by heart. “Our home. She feeds us, she shelters us. Her gravity prevents us from flying off into space and freezing, before thawing out again and being crisped by the sun, none of which really matters, as we would have long since asphyxiated.” Artemis paused for laughter and was surprised when it did not arrive. “That was a little joke. I read in a presentation manual that a joke often serves to break the ice. And I actually worked icebreaking into the joke, so there were layers to my humor. ↗

— Eoin Colfer

#facepalm-humor #humor

I hate when I'm at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, "Paper or plastic?" It's offensive. As if I'm going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick up line. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #grocery-store #humor #paper-or-plastic #funny

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. ↗

— Steven Wright

#paint #world #humor