#ra

There may be a sucker born every minute, but every 30 seconds a lollipop pops out.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought

That’s funny. You would think after being followed and shoved into a dark alley by a stranger, you would be at least a little shaken. Don’t tell me, you are a black belt just waiting for the perfect moment to strike.” He laughed soundlessly. “I mean your words do sound brave but your eyes and the fact that you’re trembling like a scared little kitten say something else entirely.” Even though the alley was submerged in darkness and shadows, it was obvious there was a devilish grin stretched across his face... ↗

— Nicole Rae

#clandestine #scary-humor #slayer #supernatural #vampire

I’ve compiled a list of five suspects, and all five could be mistakenly narrowed down to one by a lesser investigator, because all five are nearly identical in physical demeanor and dimensions. They could all be monozygotic twins, or clones, or holographic projections of each other. They all are egg-shaped like humpty Dumpty, only more omelet-like in the face, as each has two beady black olive eyes, thin strips of bacon for lips, and a rosy grape tomato for a nose. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#random #funny

He had bright elfin eyes and a knowledgeable ass. ↗

— Chris Hannan

#funny

Friend: a stranger in hard times. Friends: the street mob that robs you. ↗

— Bauvard

#friendship #funny #humor #strangers #friendship

You were upset. I don't want you feeling forced into anything," he pressed on, horrified at his own words. Mental. Since when did he let chivalry get in the way of a blowjob? Talk about boycotting oneself, jeez. ↗

— Elle Aycart

#self-restraint #funny

It makes my skin crawl to think about the violent ways snakes, lizards, alligators and other exotic creatures are raised and killed for boots, bags and belts. ↗

— Kelly Brook

#alligators #bags #belts #boots #crawl

Literature exists at the same time in the modes of error and truth; it both betrays and obeys its own mode of being. ↗

— Paul de Man

#betrays #both #error #exists #literature

A blanket could be twirled in the air, like a new idea in your mind, and then either discarded or folded up like a wearable memory.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Nursery-rhyme morality has gotten me into no end of trouble, largely because it is presented through such fine poetry. Nursery rhymes dramatize the eternal conflict between aesthetics and ethics in a manner that every child can appreciate. There isn’t an adult walking around today that hasn’t been psychologically devastated by them. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #morality #nursery-rhymes #poetry