#ros

She shuddered. “What is it with slobbery kissers? Are they trying to drown us in spit? I mean, Jesus, swallow every now and then. ↗

— Tammara Webber

#gross #kissing #laugh-out-loud #funny

Americans have an abiding belief in their ability to control reality by purely material means... airline insurance replaces the fear of death with the comforting prospect of cash. ↗

— Cecil Beaton

#airline #belief #cash #comforting #control

What do you call a rifle with three barrels? A trifle. ↗

— Joseph Rosenbloom

#biggest-riddle-book-in-the-world #funniest #funny #humor #humorous

She had hit rock-bottom. She had given a blow job to a man who for all intents and purposes, was a bum. He had smelled so bad, she forced him to spray on some of the perfume she always carried in her purse. Her favorite perfume. After tonight, she was quitting. Yeah, she’d have to go back home with her two kids, grovel to her mama and work a dead-end job, but anything was better than getting down on your knees to give a guy as disgusting as Lenny a one-off. ↗

— A.T. Hicks

#humor #irony #prostitute #strip-club #home

Everything in creation has its appointed painter or poet and remains in bondage like the princess in the fairy tale 'til its appropriate liberator comes to set it free. ↗

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

#create #inspiration #poetry #prose #write

That's brain tissue. How can you-?" Claire shut her mouth, fast. "Never mind. I don't think I wanna know." "Truly, I think that's best. Please take it." He showed his teeth briefly in a very unsettling grin. "I'm giving you a piece of my mind." "I so wish you hadn't said that. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#humor #vampires #humor

Sex had been amazing, but it wasn't a magical cure for everything. Damn. Somewhere along the way, I'd picked up common sense. ↗

— Richelle Mead

#rose-hathaway #humor

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup. ↗

— Bertrand Russell

#cooking #fragrance #humor #idealism #metaphors

No. Don't distract me with your sexy talk. ↗

— Rachel Hawkins

#archer-cross #hex-hall #humor #rachel-hawkins #sexy

HOROSCOPE: Today is a good time for making new friends. A good deed may have unforeseen consequences. Don’t upset any druids. You will soon be going on a very strange journey. Your lucky food is small cucumbers. People pointing knives at you are probably up to no good. PS, we really mean it about the druids. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#food