#silly

The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the next day, when he returned home.
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— Jarod Kintz

#dad #family #funny #humor #life

When she offered me a spot of tea, I said, “No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.”
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— Jarod Kintz

#funny #hospitality #humor #random #random-thought

When someone says so-and-so’s opinionated, what’s that mean? Aren’t we all opinionated? Show me one person with no opinions, and I’ll show you a bowl of Jell-O—or a politician, whichever one’s dumber.
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— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #politicians #politics #random

Every sex noise can be converted into a note and frozen in a can of soda. Ask me about menstruation music today! 
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— Jarod Kintz

#convert #drink #frozen #funny #humor

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.
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— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #noon #random #random-thought

Forgive me....I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel. ↗

— Lloyd Alexander

#comebacks #funny #humor #humorous #silly

I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#america #drink #funny #humor #love

Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#clones #funny #humor #love #motto

I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#considerate #funny #humor #jarod-kintz #mail

I want to buy you a pair of YAP, or Yellow Admiration Pants (they have no crotch), and have you talk dirty to me. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#silly #yellow #funny