#sing

Keep driving," said a soft voice in my ear. "She will not bite if you keep driving." Fuck that. Fuck that idea like the fucking Captain of the Thai Fuck Team fucking at the fucking Tour de Fuck. ↗

— David Wong

#horror #humor #humor

Discipline, Norah. If you're going to taunt them, remember to stick out your tongue. ↗

— James A. Owen

#teasing #humor

Before a Cat will condescend To treat you as a trusted friend, Some little token of esteem Is needed, like a dish of cream; And you might now and then supply Some caviare, or Strassburg Pie, Some potted grouse, or salmon paste — He's sure to have his personal taste. (I know a Cat, who makes a habit Of eating nothing else but rabbit, And when he's finished, licks his paws So's not to waste the onion sauce.) A Cat's entitled to expect These evidences of respect. And so in time you reach your aim, And finally call him by his name. ↗

— T.S. Eliot

#bribery #cats #food #friendship #names

Every single time you crossed over for me and met me on my side. I realize now, I don't think I ever met you in the middle. And I don't think I ever once said that you for that. ↗

— Cecelia Ahern

#love #missing #friendship

Fred coughed, which caused Sam and Ellie to look over at her. “Hey, Ellie. Watch this.” Mentally apologizing to her oldest friend, Fred seized Jonas by the shirt collar and heaved him out of his chair and through the (fortunately open) sliding door. Jonas was densely built (“Deliciously so,” Dr. Barb might have said over the sound of Fred’s retching), but no match for Fred’s hybrid strength, and the air velocity he achieved was really quite something. Fred ignored his wail (“My sundaeeee!”), which became easier to do the fainter it got. ↗

— MaryJanice Davidson

#sundae #throwing-friends-out-doors #tossing #humor

And as for you, Gaelen is your uncle, your mother's beloved brother. He's your family. Learn to get along with him. You don't have to like him, but you might want to consider the fact that he's walked the earth more than twice as long as either of your parents, and he's spent the last thousand years battling the enemies of the Fey. He's probably forgotten more Fey skills than you've ever learned. ↗

— C.L. Wilson

#humor #family

If you wish to serve me, as you have bloodsworn yourself to do, you must do so with honor. And that does not include introducing yourself by name to people like my mother in order to terrify them into submission.” "Kem'falla—" Gaelen protested. "Don't bother to deny it," she snapped. ↗

— C.L. Wilson

#humor #terrifying #humor

And now, dear Mr. Worthing, I will not intrude any longer into a house of sorrow. I would merely beg you not to be too much bowed down by grief. What seem to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise. This seems to me a blessing of an extremely obvious kind. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#humor #humor

It is disappointing and embarrassing to the science profession that some Nobel Laureates would deliberately use their well deserved scientific reputations and hold themselves out as experts in other fields. ↗

— David Douglass

#deserved #disappointing #embarrassing #experts #fields

Death comes to us all; we can only choose how to face it when it comes. ↗

— Robert Jordan

#inspirational #death