#sm

Are you suggesting I’m working with the zombies? That I paid them to pretend to attack me so that I’d trick you into letting me join you?”“Did you?” Mr. Holland demanded.“Yeah, okay,” I said in a sugar-sweet tone. “You’re right. I was having dinner with Zombie Carl the other night. You know, steaks, rare, and a bottle of vintage type A. He told me all his secrets, but too bad for you I promised him I wouldn’t tell. In exchange I asked him to gather his best undead buddies and stalk me through my friend’s yard. And oh, yeah, it was totally fine if they wanted to use me as an all-night dinner buffet, because having organs is so last season. ↗

— Gena Showalter

#paranormal-romance #sarcasm #zombie #funny

We look forward to seeing all of your Vaseline coated smiles terribly soon. ↗

— Gitty Daneshvari

#smiles #smiling #funny

I wonder if being sane means disregarding the chaos that is life, pretending only an infinitesimal segment of it is reality. ↗

— Rabih Alameddine

#art

But you have said it too often, Mr. Benedict!" said Mrs. Perumal in an imperious tone that was quite out of character. "And if you continue in this vein, I'm afraid we'll be compelled to cut our visit short. Surely there are other establishments that would host an entire troup of guests - indefinitely and without reward - and not feel obliged to apologize for it! ↗

— Trenton Lee Stewart

#guests #host #sarcasm #visitors #funny

Government is operated by deeply embedded, hopelessly entangled bureaus where nothing is accomplished because the function of the bureau is to intercept every living idea and smother it. ↗

— Gerry Spence

#because #bureau #bureaus #deeply #embedded

It would be the last thing he did if he beat my dog. ↗

— Holly Hood

#irony #sarcasm #funny

We’re wasting time here. I’ve got a sweet ass to paddle. Some legs to spread… ↗

— Starla Kaye

#domestic-discipline #erotic-romance #funny #romance #spanking

Unless the object of the singer’s affection is a vampire, surely what Hart means is unphotogenic. Only vampires are unphotographable, but affectionate ‘-enic’ rhymes are hard to come by. ↗

— Stephen Sondheim

#lyricism #my-funny-valentine #rhymes #songwriting #valentine

This is where you all live?" Asked John as they ascended the stairs. "It's small." "This is just our Thanksgiving house," Scott muttered. "We have a house for every day of the year. ↗

— Adam Rex

#sarcasm #funny

At this time of year it's easy to forget the true meaning of Christianity - the lies, the corruption, the abuse. ↗

— Banksy

#art #christianity #christmas #priest #religion