#t

I just want you to know,' said the girl, coldly, 'that whoever you are and whatever you intend with me, I shall give you no aid of any kind, nor shall I assist you, and I shall do whatever is in my power to frustrate your plans and devices.' And then she added, with feeling, 'Idiot. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#the-star #humor

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you. ↗

— Scott Dikkers

#matt #work #humor

I was eating a steak at a local restaurant last night, when a random woman said: "Y'know, you'd be much better off being a vegetarian." "Are you crazy?" I said, "The cow was a vegetarian and look what happened to it! ↗

— Quentin R. Bufogle

#vegetarianism #humor

Emma was doing something nice for Simon? Hell must be enjoying the snow day. ↗

— E.J. Stevens

#fiction #humorous #mystery #mystery-series #paranormal

He's so unlucky it's almost lucky," Gren said. "It's like he has reverse luck." "He's reverse good-looking, too" said Hyde. "I'm going to reverse punch you," Strag said to his brother. "That was reverse smart, man. It means you're going to punch yourself. ↗

— Veronica Rossi

#humor #hyde #strag #humor

A brick could be used as a floatation device. But only use it if the person drowning is a politician.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Liz asked me the other day what I thought about twice baked potatoes. How the fuck should I know? Was I supposed to be thinking about twice baked potatoes all this time? Is this where I went wrong? Are grown men supposed to have an opinion about twice baked potatoes? ↗

— Tara Sivec

#futures-and-frosting #humor #marriage #tara-sivec #humor

How would you like to star in your very own commercial?" "I'd rather swim in battery acid. ↗

— Robin Benway

#humor #wait #young-adult-fiction #humor

I get no sense from his note at all,” said Will, bounding to his feet, “except that he can quote Tennyson’s lesser poetry. Sophie, how quickly can you have Tessa ready?” “Half an hour,” said Sophie, not looking up from the dress. “Meet me in the courtyard in half an hour, then,” said Will. “I’ll wake Cyril. And be prepared to swoon at my finery. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor #humorous-quotations #will-herondale #humor

Hi there," squeaked a precocious little voice, "you are speaking to Chloe Fusakawa, and I have just learned how to answer the phone. ↗

— Gabrielle Zevin

#kids #little-kids #technology #humor